i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
