Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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