my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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