She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
