That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
