You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
