When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
