Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
