R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
