Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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