My hand turned me down
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
