mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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