i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Come see our sink grown plant.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
