I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
