If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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