I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
