I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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