I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
