Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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