no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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