if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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