he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
