she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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