The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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