i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
