yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
