i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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