remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
