Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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