I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
