Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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