Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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