I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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