she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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