mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
