I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
