I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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