I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
