You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She bit a glass in half.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
