K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
