and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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