he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
worst night to have a conscience
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
