Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
