One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
