Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
