Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
