The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
