Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
