At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
