i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
