that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
