She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
