She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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