Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
