you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
