If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
