I hate your face
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
