I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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