I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
