so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
